I’ve noticed that across Catholic communities worldwide, a peculiar irony persists. Single men lament, “If only there were good, devout Catholic women I could marry” while single women sigh, “If only I could find a faithful Catholic man”. Both claim to seek intelligence, kindness, and unwavering faith. Both desire maturity, commitment, and a relationship centred on God. And yet, despite their shared goals, each insists that the other is nowhere to be found.
This paradox raises an uncomfortable question: If Catholic men are searching for Catholic wives, and Catholic women are seeking Catholic husbands, why do so many struggle to connect?
Is it a matter of men failing to take initiative, hesitating to step into leadership when it comes to pursuing marriage? Or do women hold back, waiting for an ideal that never materializes? Perhaps it’s something deeper, a reflection of broader cultural shifts, fear of commitment, or an unrealistic standard shaped by modern dating expectations.
As traditional courtship models fade and secular dating norms influence even the most devout, are Catholic singles simply struggling to bridge the gap between what they desire and how they pursue it?
The Fear of Imperfection and the Modern Catholic Dating Dilemma
A common claim I’ve heard is that Catholics take so long to commit because the Church does not allow divorce, therefore, they must find the “perfect” spouse. But this misunderstands the purpose of marriage. If one seeks to date and marry someone flawless, what then is the role of marriage itself? Marriage is not a trophy for perfect people. It is a sacrament of sanctification, a vocation where husband and wife refine and strengthen each other in holiness.
Consider the words of Blessed Karl of Austria, who turned to his wife, Empress Zita, on their wedding day and said: "Now that we are married, let us help each other get to heaven." Waiting indefinitely for someone “perfect” to appear is not discernment—it is delay and in doing so, we will wait forever.
The Paradox of High Standards and Trivial Preferences
It is right to have strong standards and values in marriage, but often, the standards people cling to are not the ones that truly matter. I recall a friend of mine from Valencia who prayed a lot for a Catholic husband, one with the right virtues, but also amusingly, with genes that would ensure their children had blue eyes. In a twist of irony, she found a man who met both requirements. Yet, the relationship didn’t work out. When she prayed and discerned further, she realized her rigid, idealized vision of “perfection” failed to account for true compatibility based on proper values.
Too often, both men and women focus on superficial preferences, aesthetic traits, social status, or fleeting personal criteria, without considering the deeper essence of a person. The result? They either reject a genuinely good match for minor, irrelevant reasons, or they settle for someone who temporarily validates them while failing to align with their true values.
Passivity: The Real Obstacle to Catholic Relationships
Many Catholics declare an ideal, a devout, thoughtful, committed partner, but then rely on arbitrary physical values, social cues, peer approval, or passive expectations instead of taking direct responsibility to realise that ideal.
It is somewhat ironic that many people dream of meeting the “ideal” partner yet do relatively little to seek that individual or to become that sort of person themselves. Instead, they rely on social media, stick to familiar circles, or hope divine intervention will somehow deliver someone meeting every criterion. Complicating matters, they often let friends’ opinions, peer-pressured timelines (“I should be engaged by 30”), or cultural expectations dictate their decisions.
In the end, personal standards get tangled in a desire to please everyone else, resulting in inaction cloaked in high-minded rhetoric.
By contrast, biblical scholar Kimberly Hahn offers a glimpse of proactive courage in her book Rome Sweet Home, where she describes meeting her future husband, Scott Hahnwhile both were volunteering at a freshman dance. “I was involved in the Orientation Board, and Scott was a Resident Assistant”, she writes, “For these reasons we were both involved in the freshman dance. I noticed him at the dance, and I thought, ‘He’s too handsome to go over and talk to.’ Then I thought, ‘No, he isn’t. I can go and talk to him.’ So I went over and started talking to him”. Confronting that momentary apprehension led to a conversation that ultimately paved the way for their marriage.
Yet many people remain hesitant to step out of their comfort zones, waiting for explicit social cues, flirting, validation from friends, or unmistakable signals of interest before making a move. Without that encouragement, they linger in indecision, unsure whether to reveal genuine attraction. Heightened by self-consciousness and fear of rejection, this doubt often translates into half-hearted attempts or complete inaction. Ironically, while lamenting the apparent shortage of good Catholic men or women, they overlook how their own passivity perpetuates that scarcity.
Even when they do encounter someone who aligns with most of their values, they often fixate on minor imperfections which are trivial deal-breakers that overshadow meaningful compatibility. Some become so preoccupied with surface-level concerns that they neglect deeper discernment. Others, in contrast, settle for partners who momentarily validate their insecurities rather than those who genuinely share their convictions.
Ultimately, the challenge is not a lack of faithful, marriage-minded Catholics, it is a reluctance to take the risks necessary to build real relationships.
The Biblical Model: Actively Seeking a Spouse
Contrary to the passive approach many take today, Scripture presents marriage-seekers who were proactive, intentional, and bold while at the same time, having faith and trusting in God. Abraham’s servant is ordered to actively seek a wife for Isaac. He prays, discerns, and approaches Rebecca and she accepts the proposal without even meeting or seeing Isaac, fully trusting on the servant’s word and God’s plan (Genesis 24).
Jacob fell in love with Rachel at first sight and immediately took action, rolling away a stone from a well to impress her and then he worked for 14 years just to marry her (Genesis 29:9-30).
Ruth boldly followed the advice of Naomi and approached Boaz at the threshing floor, signaling her availability for marriage. She respectfully asked him to be her kinsman-redeemer, taking a courageous step in pursuit of marriage (Ruth 3:1-11). This shows that women, too, can take initiative in finding a pious spouse while respecting cultural and moral boundaries.
Additionally, Abigail boldly speaks to David displaying her confidence, wisdom and intelligence and thus impresses him in the process, later becoming his wife (1 Samuel 25). Tobias does not let fear stop him from marrying Sarah, despite her tragic past, he prays, trusts, and acts (Tobit 6-8).
Marriage Is a Moral and Social Reflection of Our Convictions
Make no mistakes, values matter. I would argue that our choice in who we date and marry is in a sense, the sum of our individual convictions and values. A person will always be attracted to someone who reflects the deepest vision of themselves, a disposition who matches their own, a vibe that resonates with theirs. The surrender of which, permits them to experience a sense of self-esteem. No one wants to be attached to someone who they consider inferior to themselves, in whatever arbitrary standards or objective values they hold dear. A person who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of spouse they can find, the person who is worth admiring, the strongest, the “hardest to conquer” so to speak, because it is only the company of such an individual, will one find a sense of achievement.
Attaching oneself to an individual one does not find worthy of themselves, only leads to a sense of long-term resentment. Hence why there is a need for both individuals in a relationship to respect each other on a fundamental level, to look at the essence of the person they are with and accept that essence.
I will make a bold statement; show me the person you romantically prefer, and I will show you your character. If we say that people are the measure of those, they surround themselves with, are they not also the measure of the people they date and marry? The things we love disclose who and what we are.
Additionally, while it is important to find people with the right values and beliefs as yours, it is equally important that you value yourself appropriately. An individual who doesn’t value themselves cannot truly value someone else in a romantic sense. For instance, if they lack humility, they won’t fully recognize that virtue in others and might even dismiss it as cowardice or weakness. If pride inflates their ego, then anything that redirects attention away from them feels like a personal slight.
Put simply, the way we view others reflects our own virtues. A person with healthy self-esteem can offer genuine love precisely because they stand firm in consistent, uncompromising values. Conversely, someone whose self-esteem shifts with every breeze cannot be expected to stay true to another when they’re not even true to themselves. To truly grant love to those we cherish, we must stay in tune with our own character and principles.
No More Excuses—Replace Passivity with Conviction
Too many Catholics treat finding a spouse differently from other goals. If we want to become humble, we practice humility. If we want to grow in charity, we serve others. But if we want to find a spouse… we sit back and wait?
Catholic men and women who truly prize devotion, intelligence, kindness, and commitment must be prepared to seek those qualities with intention. That may mean venturing beyond familiar circles, joining communities that foster these virtues, or simply starting conversations with people who share the same ideals.
After all, love reflects our deepest convictions and moral values. If two people claim to embrace Catholic devotion and virtue, yet do nothing to find or nurture it, they risk undermining the very principles they profess.
For those who claim they “can’t find anyone devout, caring, or serious”, a closer look at their own efforts is warranted. Have they genuinely acted in a way that aligns with the high standards they set? Are they emotionally ready to recognize and prioritize these values in others? Have they participated in events or discussions that cultivate these traits, or are they simply waiting for someone else to take the first step?
The familiar “if only” refrain can sometimes mask a deeper fear—of rejection, judgment, or vulnerability. Yet facing those fears head-on is a necessary part of wholehearted commitment; without that courage, the ideals of devotion and virtue can never truly come to life.
Faith in its fullest sense demands living out conviction, repairing emotional wounds, and staying open to the unexpected people who might be exactly who you’ve prayed for all along. This is not a responsibility you can pin on someone else.
The second we stop waiting for others to break the cycle and take ownership of our own words and deeds, we align principle with practice, preserving moral fiber and rejecting hypocrisy. If both Catholic men and women truly desire the same end, a faithful, value-driven relationship, each side must act decisively to make that vision real. Replace complaint with a renewed sense of purpose. In doing so, we cultivate the very integrity we claim to hold dear.
Founder of "Catholicism Coffee".
